I know I can't be the only writer who thinks they are good at baking.
And by baking, I mean, I try and I fail more often than not to bake "correctly." Every so often, I'll bake and sometimes, it's from scratch. Let's say that's once or twice every 3 to 6 months. Of those times, one or two things will turn out okay.
Everything else... while most is okay on the palate, usually looks unattractive to the naked eye. And it's gotten worse since in the last year I've been trying to eat healthy. That means healthy baking. Ha.
In my quest to become a better baker, as a writer, seem to find myself doing the same wrong things in the kitchen, over and over again. I need a reminder, that while I'm not an ace baker, I could deliver the goods, if I only followed the baking rules. What are the baking rules, you ask? The baking rules are simple. The baking rules prevent you from doing things wrong.
And where do I go wrong? I mean, I'm articulate, have degrees, can read... so on so forth. Well, with baking, the first rule of thumb is that you HAVE to read: read the list of ingredients, read the directions, READ the measurements, and you have to know that there will be a mess to clean up that you must be willing to do. This is all where I go wrong. I can read, sure, but just not directions.
When I cook, I like to throw in a dab of this, toss in a splash of that, include a little extra so and so. You can't do that with baking. Nope. When a recipe calls for 2/3 a cup water, 1 teaspoon of baking powder, or a certain amount of sugar and flour, there's a reeeeaaaason for that.
I usually do okay with a box mix. Pour it in the bowl, crack the egg, add the water and or oil. Yet, I still manage to get mix all over the ceiling of the kitchen, the stove, the floor, the counter, my hair, the dog's ears, and the cat's paws. And from scratch is worse. I'm vacuuming and wiping things down for days. This is another thing I do wrong: I make a mess.
Another thing I do wrong: I Google when I have to, but not always when I should. When I make stuff from scratch, I've gotten really good at Googling what I can substitute stuff for, but have yet to master this whole "whole grain flour" thing. It's denser than regular white flour, and you have to ratio your water just right.
I tried a lemon loaf thingy last summer. It turned out like a brick. A brick of wheat flour. It could have been used as a weapon it was so thick. I mean one slice too. One slice could have killed someone with a simple toss of my wrist.
It's likely I would miss though, because my aim is terrible.
Here are a few other baking snafus that occurred for one random reason or another:
One time, my father came to visit and I wanted to impress him with my homemade zucchini bread just like Mom used to make. I'd made it a million times that summer and knew the recipe by heart. However, I MUST have forgotten something because when I peeked into the oven to check the status of the loaves, the batter had oozed all over the oven and proceeded to turn into thin, hard zucchini bread discs.
My father, God rest his soul, *tried* to take a bite, chased it with a cup of ice water, and was sweet enough to say, "That's really good, honey." But the look on his face said it all. He may have cracked a tooth. I asked and he said no, he was fine. When he returned home, the following week I called him to say hello and he said he'd just returned from the dentist...
I cried that night. I haven't made zucchini bread since.
One time, I took homemade chocolate chip cookies into work. It was a new recipe from the that Pioneer Lady chick. I *think* I did something wrong with the butter. I can't recall exactly, but whatever I did, the cookies came out runny and flat. So I had to bake them longer, and they turned out like paper thin and were all conjoined on the baking sheet.
I had to break them up into pieces, so they weren't *cookies* but rather, shaped like brittle maybe. You could literally see through them, but they were chewy. The photo that came with the recipe showed plump, thick cookies. Mine were not like the photo. I cussed the Pioneer chick at first, but then...
I tried one and they actually tasted pretty good. Not one to waste, I took them to work anyhow, and everyone asked, "Are they supposed to be this thin?" I lied; one of the few times I have in my life. I was like, "Yes! Yes, they are. They are my 'thin, chewy chocolate chunk cookies'."
The pan was gone by the end of the night. That was just dumb luck.
At some point, the embarrassment and injuries must stop, but only if I heed the rules.
So, here are my rules for trying to be a baker, a lil Susie Homemaker, a Betty Martha Crocker Stewart wannabe, if you will....
1. We covered reading already, and the importance of that. If you always have too much batter, too watery of a batter, not enough of a batter, or your batter oozes and runs and seeps all over, then you have done something wrong. Clean up and start over. OR, cuss and grab a drink and try again later.
Better yet, just buy store bought! Then none of the other rules will even apply.
2. Clean as you go or you will not only have a mess at the end of the hectic baking excursion you put yourself through, but you will likely also have to clean yourself and any pets or kids that have gotten under foot as you were trying to bake. Flour has no boundaries.
3. Don't drink and bake. If you HAVE to, sip for God's sake. Don't get so drunk that the recipe blurs. This will cause issues with rule number 1.
And if you do have a drink out, whatever it may be, keep it away from the cat. They like sweet things. I learned this from experience. Carl, my one-eye'd adoptee, found his way into my raspberry margarita one evening while I was making an apple pie tart (It turned out fine and I was just sipping, ahem.).
The cat turned out fine too, but still... it called for an emergency text to my vet tech connection. And that was a rough week. Carl had gotten into a matcha mocha smoothie just the day before, and that warranted a call to the vet. "Is the cacao powder 100 percent pure?" They ask. "No, it's not," I respond. I grab the package. "Crap. Yes. It's 100 percent." Silence on the other end. "How much did he drink?" I look at the cat and ask him. His tail twitches and he paws me. "I dunno, he won't tell me..." Again, silence. God love the vet. They are patient with me being a first time cat owner, and an adopter of one at that, from their clinic nonetheless.
So when the margarita text came, my connection was like, "He's underage; don't let him drink alcohol." When I ask if he'll be okay if he got a few sneaks in, she replied with, "Yes, just don't let it happen again. Kitten rehab is expensive."
This leads to rule number 4.
4. Just put your pets up. If you have kids, put them up to while you bake. This will elevate any additional stress to rule number 3, but you will likely have to face the wraith of a messy playroom, screaming children, howling dogs, or crying kittens as a result.
5. If you are like me and want to post your baking feats and fails on social media, along with pics, be aware that people in general don't give two craps about what you are doing on a Saturday night. Oh sure, let's announce it's Cinco de Mayo and I'm home alone baking things with blueberries, and then I'm going to blog about it. I am so exciting!
Just keep this stuff to yourself. Why cause further embarrassment and angst?
6. Fib a little bit if you have to. Yes, you made this! Yes, it's healthy! Yes, it's supposed to look or taste that way! No, it doesn't have nuts (but it really does)! Okay, that last one is a joke, as I hope by now you get that this blog post is really all in jest.
7. Just because it's not pretty doesn't mean it's not edible. Example, I made these muffins:
The technical term for them are Morning Glory Flaxseed Muffins, from some heart healthy cookbook I have, either the AHA or Betty Crocker. Anyhow, they aren't the most beautiful things, are they? In fact, on social media, I referred to them as my Lil Pile o' Turd Muffins. This is one of those examples where I didn't use the right combo of wheat flour and either regular flour or water; and I didn't chop the pieces of apple small enough, yet they were edible.
My point is, they aren't good lookin' muffins. Would you eat that? This is where don't judge a muffin by its baker comes into play. Honestly though, with a cup of coffee in the morning to chase each bite, they were pretty darn good.
There's another muffin recipe I use, and it's called Pumpkin Chocolate Cheesecake Muffins. Okay, in reality, the recipe is for a loaf, but I turn them into muffins. And they were beautiful! They overflowed the tin cups perfectly. The nuts on the top added a nice crunch. The cream cheese and pumpkin worked to deliver a succulent, moist muffin. The chocolate drizzle added a nice sweetness. Every time I've made them, they have rocked. I thought I had a picture of a batch, but I can't find it, so you're stuck with the turd lookin' muffins. Sorry.
So, some things do turn out okay. Today, I made blueberry turnovers and a blueberry oatmeal bake:
Here's a link to the recipe I used for the turnovers: http://www.sprinklesomesugar.com/blueberry-turnovers/. I made a few substitutions though: For the filling, I used fresh blueberries, baker's sugar (some organic type, where you use half a cup less than regular sugar), and white wine vinegar instead of lemon juice (you use half the amount of vinegar).
For the shells, I used liquid egg whites and the same sugar for the filling, and the shell was Pepperidge Farms, which was frozen, but if you follow the thawing directions, you'll be fine. I also cut the shell into nine pieces instead of six because I wanted smaller turnovers. I baked at 350 for about 25 minutes, until the turnovers started to ooze out and the tops turned golden brown.
Here's the recipe I used for the oatmeal bake: https://realhousemoms.com/blueberry-oatmeal-bars/. Again, a few changes: I used white organic flour and organic instant oats, and instead of brown sugar, I used a smaller amount of light corn syrup, unsalted butter, and for the filling, I used the leftover filling from my turnovers.
All from scratch, except for the pastry puff. They turned out pretty good, except that I didn't measure the water when I had the blueberries on the stove. The juice was supposed to thicken. It did not, so the turnovers have very little filling and I had a ton leftover. Ah, but I took a lemon and made lemon aid.
That leads to my final two rules:
8. Not all is lost. Google can be your best friend, and let me tell you, as an English composition instructor, I am opposed to Google more often than not. Unless you are me. Unless you need to fix something you broke in the kitchen, like a recipe.
And finally, 9. Realize that God gave certain people the ability to bake well and host their own shows. I am not one of those people. I can however, take my mishaps and turn them into comedy for the reading masses. Then again, if Martha can do a show with Snoop, what's to say I won't be able to one day make an appearance?
Happy Baking!
No comments:
Post a Comment